The Hobbits ate my Homework!
by JediKnightBalthasar
Summary: I didn't have my History paper today, so I made up this little story as an excuse. LOTR, of course, hope you enjoy! **CHAPTER TWO UP**
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I own nothing  
  
Explanation: I lost my homework in Schall Park, and this is what I told my History teacher. Well, read on, and let me know if you want more!  
  
********** "Hey, Daniel, how much time is left in the period?" I asked.  
  
"Uh, let me check," Daniel said, looking at his watch. "About three minutes."  
  
"Okay then," I said, picking up my homework, binder, and backpack. I was just heading over towards the history classroom across the school when suddenly, out of nowhere, came the Uruk-Hai! I screamed and ran for my life.  
  
Now, I'm not a very good runner, but when one is chased by Uruk-Hai, one runs very quickly. There were only six of them, but to a kid like me, there may as well have been fifty! Anyway, I must not have been paying attention because I ran across the basketball courts--and found myself on the banks of Anduil (that big river from Fellowship of the Ring).  
  
"Orcs!" I knew that voice. While I was rather scared out of my wits, I was glad to hear the voice of Legolas Greenleaf. For sure, he wouldn't try to kill me! It was mere minutes before the orcs were dead. Now, I've seen some pretty sick pictures of things done to animals--I did do an animal rights project last year--but Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas are worse than McDonalds! I knelt down and lost my lunch--a pity, because it was that eighth grade pizza party, but that has nothing to do with anything.  
  
Finally, I stood up, only to see the Fellowship staring at me. 'These guys don't get out enough," I decided. "I know this seems strange, but let me explain. I have to turn in this History paper. The orcs were chasing me. Thank you for, um, helping me not die."  
  
"What is a History paper?" asked Gimli.  
  
"Well, it's something where you study stuff and then you write it down and get graded on it," I said, presenting my paper. They took it, and sort of huddled, like football players. I couldn't make out what they were saying, though they did laugh a bit--they found the name James Oglethorpe.  
  
Gimli put the paper on the ground. I began to retrieve it, but suddenly an arrow shot through it! Then Aragorn and Gimli started disecting my paper, babbling on about evil and how Sauron must not get to it. "Hey!" I shouted, "I need that you know!" Bu they're such anti-feminists that they wouldn't listen to me.  
  
Managing to snatch away the rather torn up assignment I was once again running, this time from three maniacal members of the fellowship! I looked behind me--so much for my PE grade--and suddenly BAM! I ran right into something, or someone.  
  
"Help! They want me to fail History! They're going to kill me!" I screamed, jumping behind Boromir. He looked rather strangely at me, then at the rest of the fellowship, then back at me. I did my best to look innocent, which made me laugh--but for once, I didn't laugh out loud.  
  
"Aragorn?" asked Boromir.  
  
"Er. . .yes, well, um, you see, it's kinda like this. . .the paper, it's um. . .well, it um. . ." The future king of Gondor rubbed the back of his neck, trying to imitate my puppy-dog eyes.  
  
"Are you trying to come on to me?" asked Boromir. "Honestly, Aragorn, what will Arwen say when--"  
  
"Oh, shush, her father's too picky, anyway."  
  
"The paper!" Gimli exclaimed, rushing forward to destroy it. Clutching it, I ran again. This was getting old.  
  
Just then, a ton of Uruk-Hai came! I could hear them chanting in Black Speech "Destroy the paper, destroy the paper. . ." I groaned and kept running, finding Merry and Pippin. "Oy, 'ello!" Said Pip.  
  
"Merry! Pippin! Um. . .can you keep this safe for me?" I asked, holding out the paper.  
  
"Oh, sure we will!" said Merry cheerfully, taking the homework. I said thanks and ran off, hoping to find some way to get back to History class. I'd never gotten a tardy lock-out slip, ever, and I had no intention of starting!  
  
Meanwhile. . .  
  
"Oy, Pip, what were we supposed to do with that paper?"  
  
"Guard it, I think."  
  
"Oh, well, there's no safer place than my stomach."  
  
"Oh, good idea!" 


	2. Not agaaaain!

Back by popular demand! I wasn't going to write any more, but since y'all asked for it. . .  
  
***********  
  
So, my first ten ID terms were due today and boy did I have trouble with them! While I, unlike everyone else, had all forty done over a month in advance and thus did not stay up until midnight working on them, just getting them to class was one heck of an adventure.  
  
I had gone into school by way of the Troost gate, as usual. I was just walking past the music room steps when I felt a funny tingling sensation in my inner ear. Uh-oh. I knew something bad was going to happen, because that's the part of the ear that makes you carsick. Anyway, my ear was tickling.  
  
I dropped to my knees and zipped open my binder. There, lying right inside the black zipper-cover, atop a mass of other assignments, lay the eight pages of creamy white paper, stained with ink black as pitch. My beautiful ID terms! I picked them up and hugged them, and I felt a strange sensation. . .  
  
"AHHHHH!!!!" Recently, I had a rather strange adventure at Parth Galen. You've just read about it, in fact. So, when I found myself sitting on a stone chair in a circle of stone chairs, I knew something had gone wrong again.  
  
Looking around I saw a bunch of very tall, perfect-haired people, a group of shorter people with a lot of facial hair, a very old person clad entirely in white, a short-ish person missing a finger, only two females, and a solemn-faced dude who looked rather pissed off. In the center of the ring of chairs stood a stone podium-type thing. Something was on top of it. . .I had seen that thing before! But what was it. . .?  
  
"People of distant lands, friends of old, you have been called here today to discuss the one great evil left in Middle-Earth." I suppose that would be Elrond, then.  
  
"I've told you before, a million times, if you want to fix the problem of having such a large nose--" began a fair-haired pointy-eared male creature, who I happened to know was Legolas, but Elrond interrupted.  
  
"I don't trust Pippin! There's no way he'll bite it off properly!" He said angrily. "And my nose is not big!"  
  
"You know, you do have a rather humongous schnoz," said the very old guy clad in white--this would be Gandalf, then.  
  
"I do not. You're just senile, you old coot!"  
  
"Elrond Half-Elven, do not take me for some conjurer of cheap tricks!" Gandalf said, becoming rather tall and turning everything gray--at least I think that's what he meant to do, but all he managed was a pink bunny rabbit and a top-hat. "All right, so I'm a bit out of practice. . ." he turned bright red and shrank to the size of a walnut--at least I think that's what he tried to do, he ended up producing a walnut-shell twice the size of Manhattan full of dried corn.  
  
"Ahem. So. Ignoring my nose--I heard that, Estel!" Elrond said.  
  
"No you didn't," said Aragorn a.k.a. Estel. I could see that he had made no attempt to improve his hygene. It's a wonder Arwen can live with him, let alone. . .anyway! "I didn't say anything."  
  
"Yes you did! I distinctly heard you whisper to Arwen 'it's a good thing you didn't inherit the nose.' And I'll have you know that Arwen's not had nearly as much plastic surgery as she ought to! But that isn't why we're here."  
  
"Yes, why are we here? Eowyn and I have important business that you've called us away from," Faramir said, trying to sound important.  
  
"Working on your next child?" Arwen asked in a sugary-sweet yet incredibly malicious voice.  
  
"I'll have you know we were!" Eowyn said angrily.  
  
"Um, Eowyn, I think--"  
  
"Shut up, Faramir. Nobody cares what you think." Faramir promptly burst into tears.  
  
"Good think you went back to Gondor," Arwen said to Aragorn, loud enough that Eowyn could hear.  
  
"B**ch!" scream Eowyn, jumping up. She and Arwen began to bicker in an elementary style mixed with a bit of gangster-rapping.  
  
"Yo foo'! Faramir ain't got the brains to rule Gondor!" Arwen said.  
  
"You ain't got no right to go talkin' no trash about my husband," Eowyn countered.  
  
"Don't you tell me what to do, I ain't got to listen to no orders from you!"  
  
"Oh, yeah? Well, I'll kick you into the middle of next week, then we'll see who listens to who!"  
  
"Whom," Faramir said quietly.  
  
"Shut yo' mouth, boy!" Eowyn said. Faramir started to cry again. Arwen and Eowyn promptly began to cat-fight. Every so often a shriek, or even strange a "meow" came from the huge dust cloud.  
  
"Anyway," Elrond said. "This great, terrible evil has been brought before you today because it must be destroyed! There are a few options. There's napalm, to begin with, and then there's always the same old firey chasms from whence it came deal. Anyone up for a trip to Mount Doom?" At this, Frodo fell on the floor and began to twitch. "No then."  
  
"Let us eat it!" Said Gimli, stepping forward. He shoved the thing into his mouth and chewed. Promptly he was bent over, puking. The thing reformed itself. I saw that it was my ID terms!  
  
"It cannot be endured, Gimli son of Gloin, by any stomach we here possess." Elrond said with a touch of disdain. Maybe if I just crept forward slowly. . .yes! victory is mine! I clutched my terms. Now, to get back home. . .or not. . .  
  
"She's trying to spread a third darkness across the lands!" Legolas said. Okay, that's pushing it a little!  
  
"Haven't I seen you before?" Aragorn asked me.  
  
"Yes! Parth Galen, you tried to destroy my history assignment then, too."  
  
"Oh, right. Hey, good to see you again."  
  
"Yeah, you too."  
  
"We must kill her! Agent of Mordor!" Gimli raised his axe.  
  
"Hey! That thing gives migraines, you know! And I have to work on my Physics lab! The last thing I need is some nutcase with some nut-weapon trying to crack my head open like a nut!" I shouted. Only I kept staring at the giant nut!  
  
"Oh, dear me, migraines, really?" asked Gimli. "Terribly sorry, hadn't a clue about it."  
  
"It's cool," I said. Now there was just that sharp arrow to worry about. "Hey, Greenleaf. Man. It has been way to long for you to kill me before we get a chance to catch up. So. . .how are you?"  
  
"Wow. You care! You really care!"  
  
"Um, Legolas. . ."  
  
"All the girls hate me! Even the fangirls won't come near me! Except that Mary-Sue one, but really. . ." and he, too, burst into tears.  
  
"There. . .there." Can I convey any LESS emotion? Luckily Arwen came up and started petting Legolas. Or not so lucky. . .  
  
"Arwen!"  
  
"Oh, Aragorn, you have so many control issues. I'm not YOURS you know!"  
  
"You're my wife," he said.  
  
"I want a divorce!"  
  
Oh, my. I left before anyone tried to kill me, just hoping Arwen and Aragorn could work it out on their own. 


	3. Drop acid, not bombs!

Disclaimer: I own nothing. But I've seen The Two Towers, so ha!  
  
Smeagol: Yeah, right, you try telling Fennell that the hobbits ate your vocab. That will go over well! I'll add Gollum in later.  
  
LBFreak: I tried to put a bit of Sam and Frodo in this, but it was really just randomness.  
  
Bible Hermione: Uh-oh, I killed someone. Well, it's your fault. Read at your own risk!  
  
Dream Catcher: Um, I highly doubt any teacher would accept that explanation except, of course, Graham. Did you hear my analogy for the bet? "So let's say there's this bet that Boromir can't befriend Aragorn. . ." And even if I had a llama, I wouldn't let it eat your poisonous homework!  
  
Emmithar: I really did tell my teacher that. And he gave me an extension on the assignment, which was pretty cool. I do like Estel, but in this story? Everyone gets bashed.  
  
*****  
  
Okay, so let's pretend for just one moment that the Unit Notebook was not more than half of my history grade. I would still stress over it, because that's who I am. And even if I did not habitually fall into Middle Earth when I had work to turn in, I would still be over-protective of my notebook. And seeing as it IS more than half of my history grade and I do habitually fall into Middle Earth, I was practically crazy with worry.  
  
I made it through English. I was walking to homeroom, and I knew once I got there I would be safe because my homeroom and my history classroom are the same. Anyway, I was almost home-free when some smart-aleck B-track jokester stuck out their foot. I knew this would be no normal fall. . .  
  
"Owww. . ." I moaned. My head hurt. I must have fallen. I didn't want to open my eyes and find out where I was. That would be just awful. For once, couldn't I be, oh, I don't know, in History? No, of course not.  
  
"Who are you?" Someone asked me.  
  
"I'll have you know that that is none of your business," I replied on impulse. Opening one eye slightly, I saw that a dwarf, whom I knew to be Gimli, was being restrained by Boromir as he attempted to decapitate me. I stood up, holding my head. "It wasn't a dis, man, chill out."  
  
"What did that thing just say to me?" Demanded a disgruntled dwarf, trying even harder to kill me. He started saying things in dwarvish, and I really doubt he said anything nice.  
  
"Heh, the little dude's going to pull a King Henry the Eighth," I said, laughing. He was going to cut my head off, in other words. "Actually, that's a dumb expression. Anyone who knew anything about English history would know that he didn't decapitate all six of them, he only--"  
  
"No offense, but what are you talking about?"  
  
I turned. "Oh, hello Legolas!" I said in my best game-show-hostess voice. "I am talking about one of the more famous kings of England!"  
  
"How did you know my name?"  
  
"Well, he-llo! How many prancy, gay, narcississtic blonde elves are there in this world?" I asked, unsure of the answer. Usually, when I say something as a joke-insult to a friend, I duck. On impulsive or out of habit, I ducked. An arrow flew over my head.  
  
"That was un-called-for, Legolas, son of Thranduil," someone said. Judging by the airy quality of the voice and the femininity, I decided it was Galadriel. "Welcome to Lothlorien, Deborah of Los Angeles. You bring great evil here."  
  
"Look, Galadriel," I said, "I know the notebook isn't exactly a friendly thing, but I didn't mean for it to end up here. In fact, this is just a great big misunderstanding! Presumably you know where this notebook is, so what do you say to this proposal: you give it back to me and I'll get it out of here?"  
  
"Well, that seems--" Galadriel began.  
  
"That is not fair!" Galadriel and I turned to see Frodo Baggins standing there, looking irritated to say the least. "I have to go to Mount Doom, and she gets the evil speech, fine. But what does she have to do with this evil assignment? Nothing! It won't take over the world, there aren't nine ring- wraiths chasing her. Why? I want to know why."  
  
"I don't think you ought to have said that, Mr. Frodo," chirped Sam.  
  
"And why not?"  
  
"Well, it's nothing but. . .those two don't look none too pleased about it." And at that moment I snatched a rock off the ground and hurled it at the dear little ring-bearer.  
  
"Damn you!" Screamed Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, Sam, and Gimli all at once.  
  
"What did I do?" I asked innocently. "I mean, how many of you honestly care about the ring?" Aragorn raised his hand timidly. "Well, that's why you are a king and none of them are. Well? What are your reasons, then?"  
  
"He'll be easy to get the ring from," Boromir admitted.  
  
"I like to have someone around who is shorter than I am, and yet not incredibly younger!" Gimli explained.  
  
"Well, that's your own little ego-problem," I said, then realized the pervertedness of what I had just said. I ducked behind Galadriel as Gimli tried again to cut my head off. "So, Legolas, why do you like having Frodo around?" I ventured.  
  
"He always carries a spare hair brush. I'm so afraid I'll loose mine!" Legolas broke down into a fit of sobs. The others backed away slowly. I dared not ask Sam why he liked having Frodo around.  
  
"Steady on, you've killed our cousin," Pippin said.  
  
"I don't think he's dead Pippin," Merry pointed out.  
  
"It's a matter of pride, Merry," Pippin said.  
  
"Oh, I see. For the Shire!" They both jumped at me, swords drawn. I looked left, looked right, and kicked out. My leg caught them both unawares, and they flipped over. Aragorn and Boromir glanced at each other.  
  
"Someone ought to defend the hobbits' honour," Boromir said.  
  
"You are right," Aragorn said. "But violence is not the answer."  
  
"Yeah! Drop acid, not bombs!" I shouted. Everyone stared at me. Even Legolas looked up from his crying fit to stare at me. "They used to say it in the sixties. I bet I could describe all of you with Beatles songs," I said, totally random thought. :For example, who can guess who this one is: 'Nowhere Man.'"  
  
"Oh, me me me me me!!" Pippin shouted, jumping up and down. "Strider! It is Strider, isn't it?"  
  
"Why yes, Pippin, you're so genius," I said. "Anyone want to try on their own?"  
  
"I have an idea! 'I am the Walrus', for Eowyn of Rohan!" Boromir exclaimed.  
  
"Why?" asked Legolas.  
  
"Oh, you know, the lines about. . ." and soon they were all merrily discussing the Beatles.  
  
"So, you have my Unit notebook?" I asked Galadriel.  
  
"Not exactly," she answered, "but Haldir does."  
  
"Haldir? No! He scares me," I said. "And anyway, he died at Helm's Deep in the movie The Two Towers."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah. It was so AU. And they cut out so much of it! And they added in a part where Aragorn falls off a cliff, and he has flashbacks of Arwen. And Elrond is so mean to Arwen! She doesn't want to go to Valinor, but then Elrond makes it seem like if Aragorn asks her to stay it would be selfish and cruel, so he tells her to leave, and even then she doesn't want to go, but then Elrond makes her cry and all this other stuff."  
  
"Elrond and I need to have a few words about the way he speaks to Arwen," Galadriel said.  
  
"Good. Because I thought it was really nasty of him."  
  
"Oh, and I'll get your notebook from Haldir."  
  
"Thank you! Have a nice eternity, ma'am!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
So, I was thinking maybe something in Gondor post-RotK next time. What do you think? Any other ideas? 


End file.
